Quirks

Yes. We all have them.
I am feeling emotionally quirky today. Which is fine.
Unmotivated (once again) to work, because I am so focused on a week from today, when I leave this office for ONE WHOLE MONTH in order to focus on my pending wedding, and then my future AMAZING life with the man of my dreams. *sigh* does anyone other than me, realize that this is THREE WEEKS AWAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!
though life isn't perfect, and in no way is my happiness pending on Adrian.
I try not to let it. hm.
It takes the greatest strength, to be able to put Adrian in the row BEHIND God. In the "backseat" - in order to bring him the MOST I have to bring it all to God FIRST.
you all know what I am saying.
anyhow. that's just a thought. was reading similar thoughts on another blog. thought I would add my two cents. for my own benefit (?).

quote of my week: "ai yai yai!"
I think in almost every email I have written, it has included that. exclamation. that and: "sweeeet".

more about the quirks - you see I feel unusually jittery.
Like tears could come at any second.
And yet I also have to use the facilites in a bad way, so maybe it's just the pressure on my bladder.

I hate how much I long to be loved. How the threat of someone "not loving" me, makes my stomach turn, and my world tip slightly to the left... so my perspective becomes hazy, and suddenly anything anyone says has a double meaning, and my soul feels threatened. My weaknesses are there for the world to criticize, and I am trying to stay humble yet confident - so I am bouncing back and forth between picking at my faults and flaws, and reminding myself that it's alright... that I'm working on them... that I'm not perfect.... and that I have great strengths too! "But Maria - that doesn't mean you can excuse your lack of __________ [fill in blank]" - you know? the circle? that doesn't end?

Who am I talking to anyways? Who is it?

Anyhow. Even an optimist has questionable days, correct? I know it.
However - the extra ridiculous thing, is that I have this component, this ability, to publish my "post" - and as I stand up, and walk over to the bathroom, I'll joke around with Heidi (who lives in the office next to me... hehe) and laugh loudly, and feel content with life again.

I think that I can change my emotional state, faster, and easier than most. It's almost inhuman, actually. I can mentally switch gears, and gain perspective! weird.

I am going to finish. Just there. Just so.
I would LOVE to have a clean apartment, with no clutter - with the perfect organizational tools - so that everything I have would be stored ideally, and I would know EXACTLY where it all belonged, and went, the moment I purchased it, or recieved it, or re-discovered it.
Because right now, I have a lot of work to do in that category. The irony? I LOVE organizing. I just need a day. one day.

mariajane.

I don't think I EVER finish when I plan on finishing. (re:the last paragraph I wrote. please re-read the first sentence.)